Prioritizing Platonic Relationships in a Culture of Loneliness

As a demiromantic person, my friends mean the world to me. I love them, I cherish them, and as the found family trope espouses, they really have become like siblings to me over the years. I’m very happy being single and I only have a passing interest in romance most of the time (John Boyega, this is still an open invitation to DM me), so cultivating strong friendships is an important part of my life.

But as much as I adore my friends, I can’t deny that a very real fear has taken root in me recently. As I get older and more of my friends enter serious romantic partnerships, I can’t help but wonder where I rank in order of importance. Do they care about me as much as I care about them? Will they eventually outgrow me and decide to invest the time they would’ve spent with me into their romantic relationships instead? I’ve noticed myself becoming more and more lonely while surrounded by people I love, and I don’t think I’m the only one feeling that way.

It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. Ha ha. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more & more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it.

— from me, the moon (@feralballads) February 10, 2023

In a TikTok posted by user @shomiwill, a psychological therapist in the UK, she details several reasons why you might be feeling lonely. Chief among them? Prioritizing only one type of relationship to the detriment of others.

Loneliness is becoming increasingly common, especially amongst young people.

Here are some reasons (outside of structural reasons) why you may be feeling lonely. pic.twitter.com/hKgCX2h78o

— Shom🦋 WNC | Negasonic Adult Warhead (@Shomicita) February 8, 2023

It’s no secret that society places a large emphasis on monogamous romantic relationships. Terms like “couple goals” and “soulmates”, phenomena like public proposals, and the patriarchal ideal of a nuclear family raising children behind a picket fence teach us that romantic love is the highest form of intimacy and fulfillment we can find. Sure, you care about your friends and family, but once you find your person, you’ll evolve into the person you were always meant to be. You’ll be prepared for the trials of adulthood, knowing you’ve got a partner to help carry your burdens. You’ll never be lonely or unhappy again.

Right?

Unfortunately, the older we get, the more we understand that long-term romantic partnership isn’t the happily ever after we always imagine it is. Turns out, you need more than one person to sustain you and take care of your emotional needs. And why wouldn’t you? Child psychologists have suggested for years that children are emotionally better adjusted when they have multiple trusted adults in their life – parents, yes, but also grandparents, teachers, coaches, religious leaders, aunties and uncles, real and play. Our emotional needs don’t disappear after adolescence, so why shouldn’t we prioritize having diverse types of relationships as adults?

Okay but this is actually the type of thinking that causes the “loneliness epidemic.” Every type of relationship should be cherished. The phrase “it takes a village” doesn’t just apply to raising a child https://t.co/GIMBgBYUyc

— the vampire avery (@adventureravery) February 16, 2023

I’ve always had a lot of friendships, both deep and surface-level. Recently, I’ve been asked a few times for advice on how to form friendships as an adult. That’s what got me thinking that I might not be the only one feeling insecure about what my platonic network might look like in the future. If you’re feeling that way, you’re not alone! Whether you have tons of friends or fairly few, it’s clear that friends make us better humans, and you’re not in the wrong for wanting them. Here are my top three tips for how to make friends after high school ends.

1. Indulge in what you love!

What are your interests? Hobbies? What are you curious about? Today, we have fewer ways to randomly run into people who could become besties, but one way to up your chances is to seek out people who you share common ground with. Love soccer? Set up shop at a sports bar that screens games. Obsessed with 80s music? Check your Facebook events for dance parties near you.

2. Get comfy with compliments!

If you want help breaking the ice or starting a conversation, most people love being complimented. Even if you don’t, learning to be free with random kindnesses can help you feel better about yourself too. The next time someone is wearing a cute top, let them know! Everyone needs shopping buddies who hype them up.

3. Prepare for rejection!

This one isn’t as fun, but sometimes attempts to strike up a friendship fall flat. If you remind yourself that the worst thing someone can do when you try to be kind to them is not reciprocate your energy, it becomes a lot easier to put yourself out there. Rejection stings, but the hurt is temporary. Be ready to hold your hand out for a while before someone high fives it.

Friendship is one of the most beautiful experiences you can share with someone. It’s the act of loving someone throughout their changes, and making the choice to be there for them simply because you want to be there. That ideal is at the core of every positive relationship you can have, and everyone deserves to be loved in that way. So, hug your friends and tell them you appreciate them! You might need them more than you think – and they might need you too.

✦